resolutions

its going to be a difficult year for me, and afterwards maybe i will never be really at peace. why do i feel guilty? why do i feel like a traitor? why do i feel as if i have broken a promise? why do i feel less honest? my integrity compromised? how does it matter anyway? worse fates befall people..worse tragedies happen...i shall not be weak, i shall not be dukkhobilaashi. i will think of baba to whom even the relief of tears is denied. i shall grit my teeth and clench my fists and try to keep my eyes shut.