the garden of green honey

so about a month of college to go. people talk about the pg2 farewell and i reach for my wallet to shell out the customary 30 bucks, it is with a jolt i realize this time i don't have to. chayer dokan is much the same. some old ones gone. some new ones have joined. but the old ones still remain like shadowy presences, we talk about them, we fill our conversations with what she or he would have said at such and such comment... frankly, i am not very nostalgic, i am scared ...yes. but strangely enough i am not afraid of losing THIS. what i have now. because deep down i am pretty sanguine that THIS is always going to be there, always...i am scared because i am losing focus. i am getting so increasingly sucked into THIS that i do not have time for anything else. all my grand plans for my life, a life i had always wanted for myself, or i thought i wanted for myself, are fading away. there is an odd stupor which is overcoming my senses, and vp has become like the garden of green honey. i know i just have a few months to make or break. i know if i let go now, i will regret it for the rest of my life. but there is this niggling little voice inside my brain which keeps telling me that maybe...just maybe...letting go of impossible dreams isn't such a bad idea. i keep telling myself its really the fear of failure. but i know in fact, however much i pretend otherwise, that its the irresistible allure of the secret drug with which kaka laces our chaa every evening.